FENG SHUI for the MG
as told by SUM TING WONG
Translator’s Note: Recently the oriental tradition of FENG SHUI has achieved significant popularity in the areas of home decorating and gardening concepts. Current practitioners should also note that the concepts of Feng Shui have been successfully applied to the maintenance and usage of automobiles, especially those that seem impervious to normal practices.
SUM TING WONG was the scion of a wealthy Chinese family who, educated at Oxford and Cambridge between the wars, developed a passion for racing the newly developed MG brand of automobiles while in England. He eschewed lending a hand to the family laundry business upon his return to China and opened the first MG dealership in Katchou province. He won the Double Rangoon 500 (the infamous Siamese “Twin 250”), had a close shave in the Burma Endurance Trials and set numerous land speed records on the beach along the road to Mandalay. Not only an excellent driver, he was blessed with the uncanny ability to keep his vehicles perfectly reliable much to the amazement of all observers.
Later, SUM TING WONG became best known in pre-war racing circles for his legendary exploits as a riding mechanic during the heyday of motorized rickshaw races. Tragically, he was lost in an autocross along the spine of The Great Wall when his rickshaw plunged over the edge and was last seen heading west into the Gobi Desert at a high rate of speed.
The attached document was recovered recently in a fossil factory in northern China and appears to be his notes on maintaining his personal collection of MG automobiles: it may in fact contain his secrets for maintaining perfect reliability in his MG’s throughout the years. It is presented here as translated with the slight idiom of pidgin English to maintain its best meaning in the original Mandarin. Scholars who are familiar with the author have carefully examined this work, have verified its authenticity, and have unanimously agreed: SUM TING WONG here.
Excerpts from the document:
Lesson 12: The meaning of the Great Bear
DO park the MG pointing North - this will maintain the alignment of polarity in all stators. DO NOT park the MG in any other direction - disrupted polarity will cause unexplained electrical failures.
Lesson 25: Yin and Yang
DO NOT take MG to any shop named “Haus”, “Werks”, or “Kar” - if mechanic cannot spell English, how can fix English?
Lesson 7: Year of the Horse
DO NOT attempt to race a prancing horse during the year he wins at LeMans. DO race a big cat these year’s if endurance is victory’s key.
Lesson 93: Energy
The free flow of energy, or chi, can be achieved by removing your muffler.
Lesson 17: Colors
Do paint MG in factory colors only. DO NOT paint MG in Porche Guards’ Red as this leads to speeding tickets and loss of concours points.
Lesson 42: Legend of the Zodiac
The Jade Emperor held the first race for the Zodiac with 12 winners who are honored to this day by astrologers; the 13th entry broke down with electrical problems and became a shameful tool of darkness. DO NOT attempt electrical repairs under his sign as they will fail.
Lesson 13: Water and Air and Fire
Water overcomes fire, and air overcomes water. DO keep water out of gas tank to keep fire in engine. DO NOT use fire to dry out wet gas tank; will go through air if do.
Lesson 62: Dragons
DO NOT entrust MG to mechanic who calls transmission “tranny” or distributor “dizzy”: how can find repair specs if doesn’t know right name? DO entrust MG to mechanic with name “BOB” on shirt, this is common sense as name Bob cannot be screwed up by cutesy nickname.